What causes people to TURN THE CORNER after saying “I want to get out of this relationship, lose weight, start working out, get up earlier, start my own business, cut down on drinking” and what leaves the others drinking more, eating more, sleeping in later . . . instead? In therapy school, we learn people don’t change, until they are in enough pain; well instead of sitting back and waiting until your suffering gets significant enough, here are some real life anecdotes to potentially spur you forward.
Gretchen Lindner certainly turned the corner – losing 80 lbs between 2019 and 2021 after 20 years of repeated frustrating attempts. And she did it DURING COVID. Not only has she turned the corner, shedding the weight, she coaches others in how to do it like she did. She’s living it and paying it forward.
She felt the flickers of actual change when she began to tell herself:
“It’s not an option any more; this is possible; this is doable. You can do this. The people before me were able to do this; they did it. I can do this too – Tammy, someone I know – did it.”
Previous destructive thoughts that would completely derail her efforts would be “You’re done. It’s in your genes.”
Plus she augmented her success trajectory with the following steps:
- She had support – a trusted “accountability partner” who’d succeeded first and Gretchen knew she wouldn’t be left behind or judged in her efforts or lack therein.
- She has a community of ongoing support throughout her continuing process
- She continues to grow through education and supplementary reading
- She coaches and encourages others – she gives back.
Gretchen observes the change or lack therein in her coaching students by observing the attitude of “throwing a credit card at the next solution” and notes “those who don’t engage in community aren’t successful.” She’s sees those “who are excited to tell me what they are learning . . .engaging” in the learning materials, voluntarily, outside class as those who go on to succeed.
The last time I saw Gretchen, she was being a kick a** mom, jeeping in the sand dunes with her (3) sons. She was smiling, laughing, and from what I could tell – limitless.
When Jen, a San Diego teacher, told me she was getting up for her rowing club at 4:00am, I cheered her on, from a distance (my bed), and went back to sleep. Now, nearly a year later, her early bird rowing sessions are expanding to 4x a week! What would generate such and cause it to stick?
Jen reports a cadre of motivators, including the God-like-meditative-experience, on the solitary smooth water, the sparkling lights in the distance, and the different birds. She expounds on the joy she experiences with a community of like minded “crazy people like me.” And points out calling commands as a coxswain boosting her confidence. She describes feeling the life altering “power of the pause” when performing paddle arresting drills, which “caused me to slow down” and demonstrate skill. She, like Gretchen reports, going all in, researching, studying youtube videos, outside of class. And like we’ll see later with Ellen, rather than viewing shortcoming as failure, she advocates it “built me up” and digs into challenge with “we’ll figure this out!”
Her “turn the corner moment” happened, when she found herself going from “Oh, heck no! The only reason (to get up that early) is if my house is on fire or catching a flight” to “if you really want to do this . . . make this easier.” So she went out and bought an old school alarm clock. She started laying her clothes out the night before, she went into full prep mode, which seems to “take the stress and possible panic away.” She feels these lessons transcend to other areas of her life and even something bigger than herself. She notes over and over, she’ll mentally “re set” when challenged and remind herself “You’ve got this. This is practice. . . This is EXACTLY why we’re out here. This is supposed to be fun.”
Ellen, a human performance analyst and certified strength and conditioning coach, has seen her share of changemakers and stagnance in her highly sought after classes. Her observations include an attitude and a mindset that is clearly delineated between the “sarcastic and accepting” vs. the “complaining and hesitating.” She also parsed out further a defeating “victim” type mentality – wherein responsibility to make change, seemed to be externalized, to not having enough money for class, or enough time to work out, or sometimes, deposited onto Ellen herself.
She would call a “turn the corner moment” to be participants who observe their changes and internalize them – “OMG I was consistent! I did what she said. I followed this goal. This is the new standard and I am never going back. THIS IS ME NOW. This is not momentary. This is life.” And similar to Jen, viewing shortcoming as “I have a lot of work to do!”
Whereas, those viewing the desire to change as temporary or solely targeted a chronological date – like a wedding – seemed to have blinders on and missed the bigger, richer, more rewarding picture. Also shame infused mindsets like “I suck. Why am I here? I am less than. I can’t do it. I’m not good enough” signaled trouble.
Those viewing their metaphorphosis as “life” and the “new standard” were also mindful of a wide range of unintended consequences, such as feeling more energized at work. In addition, their progress tethered to fueling their hobbies. One participant even noted enhanced testoserone levels, resulting in his wife’s, once elusive, pregnancy. And Those who discovered and brought her related material, such as YouTube videos and books, were also reverberating with success. She also noted a palpable change taking root, as students started offering “I lifted the 35 pound kettle bell today!” with a thrilled raised eyebrow and chipper fluctuation in tone.
Interestingly enough, both Gretchen and Ellen spoke about consequences – such as the threat of diabetes and death – were not the impetus for change. Threats, terror, and shame do not seem to be the way to motivate people. The old saying: “The beatings will increase until morale improves” isn’t the path to change. Think of the void your primary care doctors shout into, with repeated reminders such as “Cut down on smoking, under threat of lung cancer.” Or “Reduce alcohol intake; it’s a depressant, besides, it’s full of sugar and calories.” This does not seem to be the path to “turning the corner.” It’s reminiscent of classic “carot vs. stick” motivation. If you are “stick”ing yourself to change and it’s not “sticking,” consider instead to reach out for the carot, question what lies out there for you, and what waits to be revealed on the other side of your particular challenge. Increased fertility? Increased God-like-meditative peace? More involved presence with your kids, in the sand dunes?
Internalizing and owning the change with a unique personal sovereignty, along with a deeper richer reason than “I want my quads to pop through my jeans” appear to contribute to lasting change. And rather than shamefully shying away from dismissive terrorizing threats, striving toward a robust limitless future seem to accelerate the “turning the corner” momentum.
Perhaps you are not “done” and “you’re not doomed” to your current state, perhaps . . . you Just. Have. Work. To. Do.