As a San Diego LMFT, I’ve worked with couples at war, domestic violence cases, court mandated 52 week offender groups, and victims treatment groups.
Disagreements don’t always get extreme, but often they have gotten so hostile, they’ve crossed into abusive territory and it’s happened so gradually and so frequently, it’s become “normalized.” My initial interview is rarely a discussion about abuse or violence. I’m usually met with flat out denials, when asking direct questions about safety. As time goes on, stories of physical incidents that were just “once” or loud escalated venomous exchanges, begin to emerge.
What conflict means to (many) people: Unpredictable, scary, confrontation, violence, never ending, an “opportunity” to trash the other person’s character.
These are some reasons why so many attempt to avoid at all costs, suppress and bury feelings, placate, or make nice.
Things to do about it and make it better, now:
-Know your tendencies and learn to stop yourself, earlier.
-Fight the problem, not the person.
-Strategize solutions together. As a team.
-Blame does not belong in your relationship.
-Set up a time and day to discuss an issue.
-Set a time limit on the discussion.
-Be sober. Awake. Present. Phone off.
-Acknowledge and seek to grasp the other person’s point.
-Reflect it back, with understanding.
-Ask for your partners help; to understand, to get it right.
-Resist the urge to impose your will.
-Always stop when blame enters the conversation.
-Take a break and state when you will be back.
-Stay away from sarcasm, mockery, comparison, veiled threats.
-Don’t threaten to break up. Either break up or don’t.
-Keep your points direct. Clear. Clean. Stop with the caveats (maybe, possibly, someday)
-Ask for what you want and state what you are willing to do for it.
-Don’t require your partner to change, in order to achieve relationship happiness.
– Without using blame, control, or imposing your will, figure out what you will do, if your partner does not give you what you ask